As you may have guessed by the title, this post doesn’t have anything to do with baked goods. I received a Halloween costume catalog in the mail today and thought I’d peruse through it to find something for the little guy. Of course, the majority of the catalog consisted of costumes for women with the word “sexy” in front of the description. I’m not sure who started the, “dress like a tramp on Halloween because I can get away with it” tradition, but as a mom whose body isn’t what it used to be, I thought I would share some of my opinions on the tradition.

Sexy Giraffe
This costume is listed for $129.99 and doesn’t even include the shoes! WTF? I hope it at least includes a prescription for Plan B.

Sexy Gizmo
Don’t feed this one after midnight. In fact, don’t feed this one at all…because she’s anorexic.

Sexy Nemo
Apparently the Pacific Ocean isn’t the only thing that has crabs.

Sexy Clown
For women who want to dress like that one time they went to the circus when they were nine, and were molested by creepy “Uncle” Sal.

Genie in the Lamp
It seemed like a good idea at first, until Joe’s spout got caught in the automatic doors on the subway.

Sexy Banana
Hey, you know what I haven’t done in a while? Gotten raped.

Sexy Waldo
Where’s Waldo? More like, where’s my diaphragm?

Happy Morning
$7.95 for a pair of boxers, a fake hard-on, and the guarantee you’ll be tased directly in the genitals at least three times before midnight.

Sexy Butterfly
From the new children’s book, The Very Slutty Caterpillar

        

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, it looks like if I don’t want to wear a sexy costume my only options are to go as the zombie version of something or a giant crayon. Maybe I should go as a zombie crayon. I could be the color “ghould”. Bwahahahaha!